Saturday, September 28, 2002

The Zyban Chronicles (Start to day #5)

(bupropion hydrochloride)

Sustained-Release Tablets

DESCRIPTION:

ZYBAN (bupropion hydrochloride) Sustained-Release Tablets are a non-nicotine aid to smoking cessation. ZYBAN is chemically unrelated to nicotine or other agents currently used in the treatment of nicotine addiction. Initially developed and marketed as an antidepressant (WELLBUTRIN [bupropion hydrochloride] Tablets and WELLBUTRIN SR.

[bupropion hydrochloride] Sustained-Release Tablets),ZYBAN is also chemically unrelated to tricyclic, tetracyclic, selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, or other known antidepressant agents. Its structure closely resembles that of diethylpropion; it is related to mphenylethylamines. It is (ÑA)-1-(3-chlorophenyl)-2-[(1,1-dimethylethyl)amino]-1-propanone hydrochloride. The mmolecular weight is 276.2. The molecular formula is C13H18ClNO*HCl. Bupropion hydrochloride powder is white, crystalline, and highly soluble in water. It has a bitter taste and produces the sensation of local anesthesia on the oral mucosa.



CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY:Pharmacodynamics:

Bupropion is a relatively weak inhibitor of the neuronal uptake of norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine, and does not inhibit monoamine oxidase. The mechanism by which ZYBAN enhances the ability of patients to abstain from smoking is unknown. However, it is presumed that this action is mediated by noradrenergic and/or dopaminergic mechanisms. From:http://216.239.33.100/search?q=cache:nIfyV3YZkXsC:www.fda.gov/cder/ogd/rld/20711s10.PDF+20711s10.PDF&hl=en&ie=UTF-8ZYBAN

<snip>"We don't know exactly how Zyban works," Winchell says, "but it seems to have an effect on the chemicals in the brain associated with nicotine addiction." Bupropion was previously approved as a prescription antidepressant under the brand name Wellbutrin. In studies of the drug for smoking cessation, there were no noticeable changes in people's moods. "Antidepressants make depressed people feel normal; they don't make non-depressed people feel happier," Winchell says. "The people who entered the trials weren't depressed, and the drug didn't make them euphoric." From the FDA site: http://www.fda.gov/fdac/features/1997/797_smoke.html

Lead up

After 18 years of lightly (est. avg. 5/day with the occasional party binges) smoking in the evening, I've raised the white flag one more time due to the insidiously wonderful nicotine monkey around my neck was choking me a little to hard. I've quite many times, a week here, 3 weeks there, even a month once. I've gone weeks at one or less a day. But always after a month or so the monkeys choke hold gets the better of me and I fall on my knees and take a big old drag. This time I raised the white flag higher then before out of the smoky foxhole then before though, and consulted a shrink and called my doctor. A couple things lead up to this: #1) I went and played paint ball in the open desert during summer. I had no wind. The adrenalin of battle got me through, but I was so sore afterwards I limped down stairs. The last time I'd done a series of dead sprints for my life I was probably 8 and playing tag. It hurt now. #2) I'd lost 12 pounds and kept it off for thee months and was walking a hour 5 days a week. But at 36, time had caught up to me and walking wasn't going to cut it. Of note. Walking is a truly wonderful way to start your body back into being physical, and I find it to be a sure fire way to get my head straight.

My excuse thus far for only working out for transportation, work has been that I grew up blue collar. I was incredibly active outside playing in the woods as a child. And then blue collar in high school with physical summer work in carpentry and house painting and varsity wrestling and soccer during the year. Over the years I've ridden bikes in college for transportation, always had a chin-up bar and done crunches now and again. But in 1995 I had a lower back operation and ever since I've been slipping downhill slowly. The top of my chin up bar is dusty. In my formative years I was in a world where nobody I knew ever worked out outside of high school sports. Work was a work out. Transportation was a work out. This was before my body found itself working on computers and in cities.

So I have to quit. I mean really, it's been fun while it lasted but now it's just getting downright dumb. Essentially I think I'm using smokes to feel. The quick dopamine hit is so much easier then going out into the world and engaging. And that's not only dumb, it's downright sad.

Retraining brain pathways was the tactic. Bad habits become easier because you're used to them, and so is your brain. With a little chemical lift for a few months I could perhaps retrain some new pathways that make it easier to feel "normal" whatever that is. Also, I've considered that perhaps I've "settled down" and don't want to go out hunting for action. I am that age. The only flaw is that I've not got the girl and the thought of men who settle down alone leave me with scary visuals.

Zyban was the call. Zyban is a great example of the power of names. Zyban is for smokers, yet is has zero nicotine. You take it for a few weeks, then quit. Zyban is really the drug Wellbutrin which is for depression. They are exactly the same thing. I tend to get down at night when living alone and I smoke and waste time in the computer, etc. Thus the antidepressant. I've heard from many folks that a lot of people are taking Zyban to stop smoking, but they don't stop and some never were. Perhaps they were just after an antidepressant without having to call it that or admit it? I agree to commit to a 30 day trial, and if that is feeling OK, 6 months.

The Week Before

I'm pissed because I have an extra good week before the appointment. A solid general feeling of a second wind coming on for the next decade. It's a deep comforting feeling. I decide to make work more fun by simply having more fun at work. It, well, works.



This pisses me off because I don't think I need Zyban in my body to feel happy now. And strangely I think my friends won't believe I'm happy, really happy. Just on happy drugs. And, at the core, it means I need help and I don't like needing help. All irrational feelings, but you know how feelings are. No matter how irrational they are, they still very much ARE.



My father visits for a day from a side job in LA and we talk. I finally admit he's a little crazy, officially manic depressive, and on Depacote to level off his emotions. It's working. It's very sad to admit your father is not a perfect hero, I mean really accept it. He's got to take meds. And I may have some of his chemistry.



Day 0. Doctor

My doctor is a gray haired old school doctor with modern knowledge. He loves me because I always ask him how he's doing. They don't get that much (He's lost 15 pounds by the way, and is feeling good). I talk a lot and he listens. I voice my concern that Zyban helps with the lows, but not the highs, and smokes are not just attractive when you're feeling down, but also when you're feeling up. He listens, only saying "true, there's lots of variables." He's very happy I've lost the weight, he says he proud of me. He prescribes an extra low Zyban doze, 100ml a day, for two weeks. Then 150ml a day for two weeks. Then a visit with him and quit if all is well.



Day 1

I force myself to add the blue Zyban happy pill to my daily multi with breakfast. I feel it within a hour. I'm extra clean now, no pot, no drink daily, no other meds of any kind. It's a subtle feeling, a slight change in vision, noticeable in peripheral range and light sensitivity. I find myself looking around more at everyday things and feeling my scalp more.



Day 2

Same slight feeling. I'm telling my friends. One of them says that it might be like glasses and contacts. You use them and they work and it doesn't matter because you see better and that's what counts. I go to therapy and feel pretty mellow and content. Could be the day, or the drug, or it all wrapped up together. I'm convinced to keep going and work through the introduction of this drug into my system. It's supposed to get more and more background feeling as you get used to it.



Day 3

Mellowing a little but I'm getting slight dry mouth and caffeine is more noticeable



Day 4

Feeling it less. Still a little high though. Which is cool if you think about it because its all legal and prescribed. I'm a little more active although I'm not sure if it's the drug or the groove I was on before it.



Day 5

Dry mouth. Taking things easier, more stuff rolling off my back rather then resting on it. Still a little heady. I'm still smoking after work, as prescribed. Thank god...

---------------------posted by Caleb John Clark on 9/28/2002 06:47:00 PM



Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Creating Scale

I just shaved my beard. I look a lot younger according to friends. Interesting that if I had been trying to look young for years, I'd have no chance like this. But since I wasn't trying, I know can feel younger - I had scale. Seems if you constantly try and look young, or are constantly in shape, you've got no scale. Next up for me is more exercise and to quit smoking...really. This I figure is good for another few years, even more scale. So by 40 I plan on feeling better then 25. In a way I'm glad I've lived a full life of scales so I can cash in my scale as I get older and feel younger every day. Or maybe this is just a giant justification...

---------------------posted by Caleb John Clark on 9/24/2002 10:21:00 PM



Monday, September 16, 2002


Smells meshed

By morning,

Tricked my cat

Into sleeping on the side

She was at.

---------------------posted by Caleb John Clark on 9/16/2002 11:04:00 AM



Thursday, September 12, 2002

I'm worried that we are being brought up to the edge of a holy war by a moral absolutist who has a lot in common with his enemy.

holy war also Holy War n.


A war declared or fought for a religious or high moral purpose, as to extend or defend a religion.

Bush’s speech on September 11th added to this worry.



“…gratitude for life and to the giver of life.”


Setting up a tone here. I'm not sure if a god gave us life or not, but I respect those who think that. Do they respect me?



“Our deepest national conviction is that every life is precious, because every life is the gift of a creator who intended us to live in liberty and equality.”



More tone…Unlike the constitution that says “we hold these truths to be self evident…” Bush seems to suggest that “God holds these truths to be self evident.”



“More than anything else, this separates us from the enemy we fight. We value every life. Our enemies value none, not even the innocent, not even their own.”



The holy in war starts to be set. We value our lives, and are willing to die and kill others for our beliefs. Terrorists might say the same thing. The difference is in what you will die for and the beliefs. They are willing to commit crimes against humanity, we generally are not. But, by setting up the issue as a value difference, you manufacture more forces of war.



Thus the sides are drawn more and more by the speech into sides based on beliefs.



“We fight not to impose our will, but to defend ourselves and extend the blessings of freedom.”


How similar “Extend blessings” is to “Impose”, one just has a velvet sheath over it. Its like missionaries sent out to “heal” the heathens.



“Yet we do know that God has placed us together in this moment to grieve together, to stand together, to serve each other and our country.”



We know that. All of us?



“We're prepared for this journey. And our prayer tonight is that God will see us through and keep us worthy.”



Oh god, we are not worthy! If we go to war to fight the heathens and extend our blessings over the globe will we then be worthy? I kneel like the sinner I am in front of you, give you my life and the lives of everyone in my country, so that I may be worthy…



“Ours is the cause of human dignity, freedom guided by conscience and guarded by peace. This ideal of America is the hope of all mankind.”


Really? All mankind. All. There's no country on earth that does not want to be just like us! I guess I don't need to travel anymore. What could I learn from a bunch of wannabes with heathens hiding in their caves.



God help us.



Perhaps we'd be better off considering 911 a crime against humanity and engage in a global manhunt to find and bring to trial those that planned the event (remember, all the perps are dead). Should the CIA/FBI need back up, we use the military. We scour the earth and bring the suspected in front of the world's cameras at the World Court. We lock them up, diffusing their ability to be martyrs. We send a message to young men being recruited by fanatics, "If you join we will catch you and you will not be able to die, but will suffer for the crimes you commit for your natural life."

Or we could continue to play on the holy war field, driven by religion and greed for political gain, becomming more and more like those we strive to fight.

---------------------posted by Caleb John Clark on 9/12/2002 09:22:00 AM



Monday, September 09, 2002

I was surfing last night and CSCL (computer supported classroom learning) as they call it in some arenas, seems all the rage in Europe and has it's own big conference. I think the wireless handhelds might just be positioned to help classrooms more then workstations. To wit...Palm and SRI are doing a lot with schools

---------------------posted by Caleb John Clark on 9/09/2002 08:15:00 AM